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ASK DR. ELDRITCH NEWSLETTER
Date: June 29, 2010
Vol. 7, No. 24
Dr. Eldritch's Tip of The Week:
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A circle of mushrooms in your lawn is a Fairy Ring! If you don't want to anger your Faerie visitors, only mow over it between the Spring Equinox and Midsummer's Night. After the Solstice, you'll have to wait until the Autumnal Equinox!
The Dr. Eldritch HOROSCOPE OF MYSTERY!
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Your astrological forecast for June 29 - July 5, 2010 is as follows:
CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19): You could be in for an Exciting Learning Experience! Lunar pull may give you an amazing psychic connection with your plumbing fixtures. On second thought, that can only be disappointing... Sorry. A Leo will be a friend.
AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18): Can you tell the difference between alligators, crocodiles and caiman? Study up, for you may need to identify them very, very quickly! Large reptiles don't pause when you call a "Time Out." A Scorpio sees something you missed.
PISCES (Feb 19 - Mar 20): Volcanic activity nearby? Stock up on ice cream and fudge bars. Not for Emergency Supplies; this would just be a good week to hang around the house and eat ice cream and fudge bars. Oh, and get some of those almond candy things, too. A Taurus will be bored by it all.
ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19): This week, you could find $6.38 in a pocket and have no idea how it got there. A casual remark about it might lead to humiliation of a family member, yet result in befriending an eccentric radiologist with an interesting tattoo. And maybe you'll get a phone call, or something. Politely decline help from a Libra.
TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20): Forgetfulfilling! By a rather complicated process (too technical to explain here), you may be able to forget one memory of your choice. What would you like to like to erase? A childhood humiliation? A recent faux pas? Your entire pre-1990 wardrobe, perhaps? Get a Capricorn's blessing.
GEMINI (May 21 - June 20): Great Excitement! This week you'll encounter something you don't believe in! How will you know? Probably when you're saying "This can't be happening!" Keep an open mind, and things will work out for the best! A Pisces has a gift.
CANCER (June 21 - July 22): Jovial Jupiter will treat you to a medley of songs going through your head, off and on all week. Sing along! Your cheerful music may aid an undercover agent. It's not at all clear how that's going to happen, but it's not like Jupiter would lie to you about it or anything. A Virgo will help out.
LEO (July 23 - Aug 22): Such bliss! One day this week, you might wake up in a Tropical Paradise! You could spend the whole day wondering how you got there and whether you'll ever get home, but why not stop and smell the Plumeria? Don't let an Aquarius know about this.
VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22): Thoughtful Neptune is in the House with this message: Question Everything! Are things what they seem? How do you know that's a real Postal Carrier stuffing junk mail in your mailbox? Could those stories on the evening news be fake? An inquisitive mind may reveal things you wouldn't otherwise notice. Placate an Aries.
LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22): Ready, aaaaaaaaaand Switch! With a little preparation, this will be a fun week! Playful Mercury causes you to swap bodies with someone, so hang out with people who have a body you'd like to try out for a while. Just remember that they'll be using yours, so choose wisely! Talk with a Taurus first.
SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21): Secrets! Stars indicate that a conspiracy may come to light, and somehow YOU are involved! Does the government have it in for you? Perhaps one of the Shadowy Brotherhoods with Hidden Motives has been meddling in your affairs? Or maybe you have been concealing something! Call in favor from a Gemini.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21): Look to your People Kibble! Secret messages may be found in your breakfast cereal (even if you're eating it for your evening meal)! Are hidden meanings within the crackles and pops? Perhaps a quick self-directed study of cerealography is in order. Choose a Scorpio last.
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Relationship troubles? Annoying relatives? Problems at work?
Take them to an ORDINARY advice columnist!
>>>>> For the really tough situations, ASK DR. ELDRITCH! <<<<<
Dr. Eldritch answers the questions that no other columnist will touch, with solid,
no-nonsense advice to get you through those once-in-a-lifetime crises:
<> Being menaced by the Undead?
<> Scientific experiments gone horribly wrong and may destroy the Earth?
<> A Loved One is possessed by Satan?
<> Your gorgeous lover is using you as a patsy for an elaborate swindle?
Don't fall victim to vampires! Don't get slashed by a psycho!
Don't get stuck, ASK DR. ELDRITCH!
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Dear Dr. Eldritch,
I know you usually don't give relationship advice, but please hear me out! Perhaps you'll make an exception. The first six months of our marriage were great, but my husband and I just aren't feeling passionate any more. We've lost the sizzle, and I want it back!
Everything started when I was visiting some friends from my days of destabilizing an Eastern European country (I'm an ex-intelligence agent). Things got a little complicated when I stumbled into a plot to trade chemically-pure synthetic diamonds for stolen high-efficiency desalinization technology. Well, some hostile agents from a rogue nation recognized me and assumed I was there to bust it up. I was saved by a tall, sexy special-ops officer from a friendly country, who was investigating the technology ring. We didn't get along so well at first; he also assumed that I knew more than I was admitting, and suspected I might be an accomplice. He told me to stay away from it, but I knew I wouldn't be safe until the rogue agents were neutralized. Forced to work together, we bickered frequently, until we narrowly averted tragedy by defusing a bomb hidden at the St. Loquacious Convent's Orphans and Kittens Benefit Sale. In those seconds where we faced almost certain death, we both admitted a passionate attraction to each other, and after the detonator was deactivated we promptly consummated our new-found love (unfortunately in full view of several nuns, orphans and kittens).
Soon after, we cracked the crime ring, eliminated the rogue agents, returned to the United States and were married. It seemed a good time to get out of the business, so I've been working in a bookstore and he paints houses. We were good for a few months, then we started fighting more than loving. We've spent too many nights mad at each other lately, what can we do to rekindle that flame that burned so brightly?
-- Codename: Trefoil; Location Classified
Dear Trefoil,
You're right, I usually chuck letters with the word "relationship" in them directly into the Basket Of No Return, but yours caught my interest. Have you tried therapy? Not that I recommend it. I mean, you can go to couples counseling, explore your feelings, communicate honestly with each other, and make a special effort to support your partner's needs, but that's a lot of hard work. It's not much fun. And it may not even be successful! So I say, don't bother.
Instead, it's much easier to just have another adventure! What got you sparking the first time was the danger and intrigue, so to reignite the rocket engines, just do what you did before. Well, you can't repeat exactly the diamonds-and-desalinization scenario, that would be boring and predictable (which probably describes your marriage right now). You need to find another crime to solve, plot to thwart, or group of hostages to rescue. Have any friends "in the business" who have suddenly disappeared? Search for them! Any family members living in a global hot spot? Time for a visit! Get the idea? Get out there and look for mysterious packages left in lockers at bus stations, terrorist cells planning attacks or evil masterminds scheming to commit the crime of a lifetime. Yes, there's inherent risk, but that's what makes the fireworks happen!
And when you're back from that, get a real job! I mean, after a life of espionage, you're working in a bookstore? That's a life of soul-killing tedium if there ever was one! If you're not going to contract out for black-bag wet work, at least do some security consulting or private investigation. Then you'll have a chance of keeping the home fires burning, if you know what I mean.
Good luck, and let me know how it comes out!
-- Dr. Eldritch
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