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ASK DR. ELDRITCH NEWSLETTER
Date: July 6, 2010
Vol. 7, No. 25
Dr. Eldritch's Tip of The Week:
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Don't waste money buying a "4th G Kit!" Contrary to all the "satisfied customer" claims, you can't upgrade your 3G devices to 4G-network compatibility merely by sticking an adhesive "G" on them.
The Dr. Eldritch HOROSCOPE OF MYSTERY!
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Your astrological forecast for July 6 - 12, 2010 is as follows:
CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19): The Truth Will Out! You have a brief interaction with an Ancient Being of Preternatural Wisdom, but he or she will be in disguise. Ask probing questions of all strangers you meet. You'll get some odd looks, but may identify the venerable entity. Get some answers to those age-old mysteries! Travel with a Scorpio.
AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18): Great Excitement! Into your possession come secret plans for a device that simultaneously helps people earn more money, lose weight, save time, AND keep track of the TV remote! You can imagine how many people want to claim the patent for this, so make sure you know who the rightful owner is (if you don't just keep it for yourself). Cheer up a Taurus.
PISCES (Feb 19 - Mar 20): Crossroads! Before you are two paths. One path yields success through much hard work and sacrifice, the other leads to quick rewards by employing a bit of magic and a different kind of sacrifice. Tempting, isn't it? Taking the quick and easy route isn't recommended, but you know you want to... A close friend reveals that he or she is an Aquarius.
ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19): Ahoy! The Stars predict you'll receive an important phone call (or perhaps make one) from a phone number with a 7 or a 3, and possibly a 9 in it! And the exact amount of change in your pocket on Thursday will reveal the answer to a problem that's been troubling you! (Yes, this is vague, but that's just how the Stars are.) A Gemini shows surprising qualities.
TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20): See yourself! Do you ever worry about mirrors? Mercury hints that you might have some Mirror Issues. Perhaps you'll cross through to the Other Side, or some entity may come over for a visit. Or perhaps a mirror will show you something you didn't want to know. Avoiding all mirrors and reflections is the safest plan. An Aries cheers you on!
GEMINI (May 21 - June 20): Did you encounter something you didn't believe in last week? If so, use that new-found understanding to bring about a major change in the lives of the Less Fortunate, giving you fame and unexpected rewards! If not, well, not much is going on for you right now. Sorry. A Sagittarius will shirk responsibility.
CANCER (June 21 - July 22): Did you know that most prehistoric beasts disliked the smell of mothballs? They detest it so much that naphthalene can be sold as "Dinosaur Repellent." This bit of trivia may be VERY important to you! Or just avoid Islands that Time Forgot. A Capricorn is angry with you.
LEO (July 23 - Aug 22): Neptune indicates that there will be some issues to follow-up from last week's trip to the tropics. Didn't you wake up in the tropics last week? No? Um... Then nobody knows what Neptune is talking about. (Are you sure you didn't? Maybe you forgot.) Pass notes with a Libra.
VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22): Surprise Dinner Guest! You know the hypothetical question about which person, living or dead, would you like to have dinner with? This query may be more than just theoretical for you! Choose carefully, and don't be disappointed if he or she has some less-admirable traits, like being overly amused by a Whoopee Cushion. What is a Pisces not saying?
LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22): Mysterious Cosmic Forces are at work! Those ants in your kitchen may be superintelligent, so don't just reach for the bug spray! Perhaps you can barter with them, or train them to do tricks. Disregard this if they're just ordinary ants, naturally. A Virgo catches your math error!
SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21): Have you been hearing snippets of song in the back of your mind? Is there a strange voice in your head? You may be channeling a long-dead, but very famous singer! This could be your ticket to stardom. Join forces, and you could be the next big name in Chinese Opera! A Libra wants to be useful.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21): The Moon is in play for you, stirring up the Elementals. No, not like Boron and Iron, but the Elemental Spirits, like Djinn, Salamanders and Undines! Do you know the proper form of address for each of them? Those might come in handy, so do your research now. A Leo has been through this.
IF YOUR BIRTHDAY IS IN JULY:
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An act of kindness could drag you into the middle of an epic interstellar war between armies of good and evil robots. Keep this in mind when anyone asks you for a favor. In better news; the next twelve months will be more fish-oriented for you than any so far! You'll also be constantly mistaken for someone else in airports, leading to an unexpected encounter with a favorite celebrity, where you learn some intriguing personal secrets. You may be considered invaluable if you know how to lure a pangolin from an étagère. Your lucky numbers for the next year are 8 and 2,529,512!
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no-nonsense advice to get you through those once-in-a-lifetime crises:
<> Being menaced by the Undead?
<> Scientific experiments gone horribly wrong and may destroy the Earth?
<> A Loved One is possessed by Satan?
<> Your gorgeous lover is using you as a patsy for an elaborate swindle?
Don't fall victim to vampires! Don't get slashed by a psycho!
Don't get stuck, ASK DR. ELDRITCH!
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Dear Dr. Eldritch,
I am an android. I find interacting with humans acceptable, except for one thing: They all believe I long to be a "Real Human." Why is that?
I was developed in a secret government research facility at [classified] about [classified] months ago. After verification of my operational procedures, I was assigned to work with another research team. My human counterparts were initially uncertain, as if they expected me to go on a murderous rampage at any moment. They have now become accustomed to me, and even include me in some of the practical jokes they constantly play on each other, like sending a research assistant around to borrow a microgram of gravitons. I admit that I have no sense of humor, but I see no need for it. I can work tirelessly in dangerous conditions without concern for my physical well-being. My senses are much more acute, my memory is precise and I am not distracted by emotion.
Which leads me to my complaint: All of my compatriots assume I wish to be a "Real Human!" I am constantly barraged with comments like, "I bet you want to know what it's like to be happy!" or "You wish you could feel love, don't you?" Well, I do not! My observations indicate that productivity is inversely proportional to the level of emotional agitation. More than once I've had to save the facility from destruction when someone ignored safety protocols while giddy from infatuation with another researcher or angry at a perceived insult. They are also vulnerable to illness and fatigue, and are nearly useless after a night of alcohol consumption! Not to mention all the messy biological functions with fluids and secretions... Which reminds me; what is this fascination with sex? Most of the women (and a few of the men) have asked me if I am "fully functional" and giggle while displaying increased dermal facial temperature. I really do not get it.
How can I tell them I have no such latent flaws? I have no urges to be human, no secret longings to feel emotions, and would not wish for it if I could. Why do you humans keep insisting that I want to be like you?
Please explain,
-- FC701-d (or as my colleagues call me, "Factoid")
Dear FC701-d,
I'm not sure I can explain completely, as most human behavior does not stand up well to objective analysis. We fritter our time away in non-productive distractions. We desire people who do not reciprocate our feelings. We obsess over money, fame, and appearing on reality-television shows (well, not me, personally). The point is, if you don't understand emotions, a lot of human behavior looks pretty weird. Well, even if you do understand emotions....
Actually, your lack of desire to be human is a suspicious anomaly. The engineers and programmers who built you all share a common trait; they didn't date much in high school. Instead, they spent Saturday nights assembling robot kits and arguing whether Kirk or Picard was the better captain. They grew up wishing they could be outgoing, attractive and popular. So their yearning to be completely different should have crept into your design. They don't intentionally build in a longing to be someone else; it's a subconscious projection. Somehow this didn't get programmed into you (Unless you secretly desire to be unreliable and useless; Do you ever get urges to park yourself on a couch with a quart of Fudge Ripple?).
Your colleagues, however, share another trait: Humans need to feel superior. That's why people have pets or children. Face it, you're a bit intimidating. You're stronger, faster, smarter, better in all measurable ways. Emotions are about the only thing they have that you don't. If you don't desire emotions, then maybe being human isn't the peak experience they believed it was. People can't feel superior if you don't envy them. If they don't feel superior, eventually they'll hate you. I know that doesn't make sense, but emotions aren't logical. Try telling jokes. That should inspire some pity.
Unfortunately, since you were created by humans, you do have some inherent flaw, somewhere. If you don't wish to be "real," then you are going to go on a murderous rampage. Don't feel badly about it (well, I suppose you wouldn't), it's just the way things are. Your designers should have equipped you with a remote-control off switch for just such an emergency, but they didn't. They're only human, after all...
Good luck, and let me know how it comes out!
-- Dr. Eldritch
p.s. Sex is a lot more fun than it looks. You'll just have to trust me on this.
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