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ASK DR. ELDRITCH NEWSLETTER
Date: May 10, 2011
Vol. 8, No. 13
Ask Dr. Eldritch Newsletter News:
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Wanted: Models for the cover art for the Ask Dr. Eldritch Book #3! Rather than just get some stock photos for reference, I think it would be more fun to have actual readers be models. It could be YOU!
The scene is the birthday party for a 12-year-old girl. She wears a festive party hat, but stands with her arms crossed. Her expression tells of an epic, angry disappointment in her presents, which are All Just Not Good Enough. Her parents stand behind her, holding out gifts in an effort to appease her. Here's the stick-figure interpretation I did:
Minimum requirements: A photo of the glowering birthday girl. The party hat, parents and/or presents are not required, but the more elements your photo has, the greater your chances that all or some of your submission is used. Points given for clarity, composition, artistic interpretation, and enthusiasm. Send your photo to contest@askdreldritch.com on or before May 31st!
Dr. Eldritch's Tip of The Week:
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Moose will back down from another moose with larger antlers. When you must travel in wildlife-infested areas, protect yourself from moose attack by wearing ridiculously oversized antlers.
The Dr. Eldritch HOROSCOPE OF MYSTERY!
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Your astrological forecast for May 10 - 16, 2011 is as follows:
CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19): Is that a Friendly Ficus? An affectionate Aster? Venus may bless you with an affinity for houseplants! You won't have extra knowledge or talent in growing plants; your new leafy friends will just like you a lot. Unfortunately, it's hard to tell an affectionate houseplant from an unfriendly one. Put faith in a Sagittarius.
AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18): Mood Swing Alert! Feeling strangely happy in the face of unfortunate events? Or crying while watching a comedy? Trickster Mercury may have switched your emotions with someone else, so you're feeling the other person's feelings! Tell all your friends, family and coworkers about it, and they'll understand the odd moods. Beware of a selfish Libra!
PISCES (Feb 19 - Mar 20): Are your pets anxious? Stressed? Not getting the Most Out Of Life? If so, it may be time to send them on vacation. Yes, a week at one of those new Pet Resorts my be just what they need to put the spring back in their step! They'll return to their responsibilities with renewed vigor. Too bad you can't go along. Forgo arguments with a Scorpio.
ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19): Can't find your car keys? Lost your cell phone? You may have accidentally angered the gnomes who live in your house, and they're punishing you by hiding your things. Make an apology and set out some leftover Halloween candy; they should forgive! Fortunately, a Pisces will understand.
TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20): Pluto says: Stay above Ground! This warning is brought to you by the distant King of the Underworld, the planet who advises you to avoid holes, pits, cellars, mines, dungeons, oubliettes, caverns, tunnels and basements. I'm not exactly sure why, but it's best to not ignore that sort of warning. Don't underestimate a Virgo!
GEMINI (May 21 - June 20): Put On The Ritz! Do you have grand social ambitions? If so, this is a good week to act on them. A case of mistaken identity may allow you into an exclusive club or soiree. Use your opportunity wisely, and don't just scarf down a bunch of free caviar. Interesting suggestions from a Leo.
CANCER (June 21 - July 22): Empathy Week! Power up your Sympathy Generator, as you'll be needing it! Friends and family will come to you, looking for support. More surprisingly, they may reveal secrets, like a case of lycanthropy or a 6' tentacle nobody knows about. Stay calm and be supportive, and help them list the benefits of that extra limb. Take Quality Time with an Aries.
LEO (July 23 - Aug 22): Free Money! Well, possibly free, and from a surprising source. Your chances of finding a leprechaun's pot of gold or some faerie gems are at an all time high. Remember that such wealth often vanishes by the next dawn, so choose wisely where you spend it! A Capricorn is uneasy, unnerved, and upset.
VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22): Ride the Popularity Rollercoaster! The stars forewarn massive swings of popularity for you! You'll go from being adored by all to being despised, and back again. Have a few positive PR moves planned, and you may end up with a net gain. If you're not famous, well, your friends and family will still like you anyway. Reminisce with a Gemini this week.
LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22): Busy Schedule? Think about what you'd do if you unexpectedly had a few extra hours, as you may if you hit a Time Bubble! Yes, one of your days could last well over 24 hours, so be ready, and don't waste your windfall trying to decide how to use it. You'll be in tune with an Aquarius all week.
SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21): Ever wonder why psychics always channel heroes and royalty? That's because the upper class had first dibs in the Afterlife, now the lower classes are getting their turn! If you're in tune, you may be channeling for a Babylonian accountant or a Medieval claims adjuster. The Wisdom of the Plebian Ancients may be yours! A Taurus misunderstands it all.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21): Eavesdropping Alert! In a crowded room, bus, or angry mob, one sentence of a stranger's conversation will suddenly carry above the noise. This overheard remark may be more than just interesting; the information revealed may lead to buried treasure! Remember, though, you may not be the ONLY one listening! A Libra won't be very sympathetic.
IF YOUR BIRTHDAY IS IN MAY:
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Your word for the year is "Jetsam." This may be in a figurative sense, but if you're cautious (and why wouldn't you be?) avoid sea voyages for a while. Spend your time instead doing crossword puzzles in foreign languages that you don't know. The summer months will bring an unusual productivity, probably due to being possessed by a goal-oriented entity. Sure you'll want to have it cast out, but why not finish some of those languishing projects first? New acquaintances turn out to have interesting secrets, perhaps they know how to repair major appliances or are superheroes! With any luck, one of their superpowers is rescuing people cast from a ship in distress. Your auspicious article of clothing for the year will be the cravat, and your lucky bird will be the Mud Skipper.
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Relationship troubles? Annoying relatives? Problems at work?
Take them to an ORDINARY advice columnist!
>>>>> For the really tough situations, ASK DR. ELDRITCH! <<<<<
Dr. Eldritch answers the questions that no other columnist will touch, with solid,
no-nonsense advice to get you through those once-in-a-lifetime crises:
<> Being menaced by the Undead?
<> Scientific experiments gone horribly wrong and may destroy the Earth?
<> A Loved One is possessed by Satan?
<> Your gorgeous lover is using you as a patsy for an elaborate swindle?
Don't fall victim to vampires! Don't get slashed by a psycho!
Don't get stuck, ASK DR. ELDRITCH!
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Dear Dr. Eldritch,
My friend, Halle, has a book of spells that she inherited from her aunt, and like she told some of us about it, and we tried some of the spells, like making Chelsea look like an old woman so she could buy us peach schnapps, and making the teachers' lounge smell like fish, and the other girls wanted to try some of the harder spells, like summoning magical creatures and cursing our enemies, but Halle and I said no, we shouldn't, but Kaitlain got in trouble from her social studies teacher for using her cell phone in class, so she looked up this spell for revenge and summoned this Horrible Thing, and I think it ate Mr. Elston, but it didn't just disappear afterwards, it's like eating the neighbor's pets, too, and attacking people and everyone is really upset and there's this curfew now until it gets caught but nobody knows what to do or where it came from, except us, and Kaitlain made us promise not to tell anybody, but I thought it would be okay to tell you because you wouldn't get us in trouble, so can you tell us what to do, and really quickly, because they're going to cancel the Prom if the Thing isn't gone by then?
-- Avril from Irvine
Dear Avril,
Oh no, the prom is at risk! Here's a tip; when soliciting help, at least pretend that your concern for others is greater than your concern for yourself. Luckily for you, narcissism isn't a disqualifying trait, so I'll give you some advice, but you'll have to sit through a lecture. A small price to pay, since you may learn something, but I won't even bet the traditional box of doughnuts on it. Now to get pedantic, and don't think you can skip it, because I'll know:
You are right, I won't "get you in trouble," because you've already done that. Perhaps what you are trying to express is a desire to correct the problem without bringing your role in this fiasco to the attention of the authorities. This may be possible.
The good news is that such summonings are usually terminated if the summoned creature kills its summoner. If you're willing to sacrifice Kaitlain, this is an easy solution. I'm certainly not advocating this, but consider that Kaitlain is a loose cannon who's tasted unearthly power, so you know she'll be back to the well like a sweet-toothed parent the day after Halloween, and it will only get worse.
Okay, now listen up: Self-taught magic is a bad, bad, bad idea. What if you summon something with an unnatural interest in eating your spleen; would you know how to stop it? Learning how to close a multi-dimensional vortex after you've opened one gives you incentive, but odds are you'll be sucked into "somewhere else" before you finish the lesson. About seven percent of disappearances in the world are due to such dabbling. Even if you stick to love potions and scrying spells, you aren't trained to deal with things when they do go wrong, and they WILL GO WRONG! Self-taught magic is like learning to fix toasters by plugging one in and poking around the inside with a screwdriver. The lesson you learn my be woefully different from the one you wanted.
The Dark Arts (called that because they're part of the Shadow Realm) are best learned through apprenticeship. The one-on-one relationship allows the Master to carefully monitor and guide the student's training. Most of the first phase deals with protection; how to shut the valves, close the doors, contain the ichor, and not get eaten. Then one learns control; how to make the pixies dance. Only when all that is mastered does the student learn how to open the doors, turn on the lights, and invite the supernatural beasties in. Even with Master tutelage, apprentices sometimes disappear in a puff of smoke, or conjure a gibbering demon that eviscerates them before it can be contained. Studying wizardry is more dangerous than handing out ACLU bumper stickers to Compassionate Conservatives.
Unfortunately, certain works of fiction depict magic being taught at boarding schools, as if it was as simple as the social studies class taught by your ex-teacher. The thought of a classroom of prepubescent wizards-in-training gives me the willies. One might better teach children how to make dynamite while blindfolded.
I hope by now you see that Kaitlain's invitation to the Horrible Thing is like turning on the ecotoplasmic fire-hose while holding it loosely with one hand, and not having a wrench to shut it off. Assuming you still want to keep Kaitlain around, you'll have to destroy the Thing yourselves. Look in the book for a "Spell of Negation" (that means, like, totally bagging its face (you Young People still say that, right?)). Read it CAREFULLY, so you understand exactly what to do and what equipment you need. You'll have to lure it to you and cast the spell after it's in range and before it does something Horrible. Make Kaitlain stand in front, just in case. If you do it right, you'll send the Horrible Thing back from whence it came, and you'll live to see the Prom.
Good luck, and if I don't hear from you, I'll know how it came out!
-Dr. Eldritch
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