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ASK DR. ELDRITCH NEWSLETTER
Date: May 17, 2011
Vol. 8, No. 14
Ask Dr. Eldritch Newsletter News:
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So far, the total number of entries for our Cover Art Contest is ZERO! Just send in a photo as described below, and you may be the model for the cover art painting for a book! How many people can say that?
The scene is the birthday party for a 12-year-old girl. She wears a festive party hat, but stands with her arms crossed. Her expression tells of an epic, angry disappointment in her presents, which are All Just Not Good Enough. Her parents stand behind her, holding out gifts in an effort to appease her.
Minimum requirements: A photo of the glowering birthday girl. The party hat, parents and/or presents are not required, but the more elements your photo has, the greater your chances that all or some of your submission is used. Points given for clarity, composition, artistic interpretation, and enthusiasm. Send your photo to contest@askdreldritch.com on or before May 31st!
Dr. Eldritch's Tip of The Week:
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If you're Raptured on the 21st, will your clothes go with you? If you're shy, keep a spare robe with you this weekend, just in case.
The Dr. Eldritch HOROSCOPE OF MYSTERY!
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Your astrological forecast for May 17 - 23, 2011 is as follows:
CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19): Cephalopods on your mind lately? This week may explain why, when an encounter with one of our tentacled friends reveals some surprising truths about your secret thoughts! Who knows what mysteries an insightful octopus may reveal! Take pictures. A Pisces is in a slump.
AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18): Ready for a swim? Improbable as it sounds, you may suddenly find yourself in deep water. Be prepared! Wear a bathing suit and personal floatation device everywhere you go. Swim fins would be good too, but carry them -- they're hard to walk around in. A Capricorn makes time for you.
PISCES (Feb 19 - Mar 20): Own any camouflage clothes? Neptune predicts that you may want to blend in to your surroundings. This doesn't necessarily mean military woodland camo; perhaps you're served by cubicle-partition gray or a brick-wall pattern. Or a bookshelf disguise, if you work in a library... Call on a Leo for support.
ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19): Loose Lips Sink... Things! The calming configuration of the Inner Planets may lull you into revealing secrets in casual conversation. Be careful to whom you confess your superhero identity or let slip that your success is due to the genie in your control! If you have no secrets, I guess you have nothing to worry about. A Libra knows about a missing item.
TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20): Generous Contribution Week! Mars and Mercury, the outgoing planets, may help you talk a wealthy person out of huge sums of money! It would be best if it's for some charitable organization, but who could blame you for receiving a reasonable "Finder's Fee?" Seriously. Surprise from a Gemini.
GEMINI (May 21 - June 20): Mysterious Moonlight Madness! If you plan to meet someplace dark and romantic for adventurous loving, Venus warns you to ensure that the person you hook up with is indeed your partner! Amorous mix-ups are likely, and they're awkward, to say the least. A Capricorn brings up past mistake.
CANCER (June 21 - July 22): Opposites Week! Say what you mean... NOT! Reversing angles of Jupiter and Mercury may cause your every utterance to come out exactly opposite as intended! Why else would you say "I'd love to work late!" or "I wish the New Kids On The Block would have a reunion tour!"? Expect a quarrel with a Pisces.
LEO (July 23 - Aug 22): Pick Up the Phone! Do you often let calls go to voicemail? That might be a bad idea, as a friend may urgently need your help in thwarting a plot for global domination. Wouldn't it be embarrassing for the world to be subjugated by robotic overlords because you didn't want to interrupt "Wheel of Fortune?" Tell a Gemini about a dream.
VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22): Fire, Fire, Burning Bright! A good week to keep an extinguisher handy; things around you may randomly burst into flame! Stay calm, and you could meet an attractive firefighter who is willing to show you a humorous tattoo! An Aquarius is unusually quiet.
LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22): Be a Homebody! Mars warns that venturing far from home may lead to an unfortunate adventure with evil twin statisticians who plan to seize control of the American Mayonnaise Council! Better to snuggle up by the fire with a good book, and stay out of it. You find item an Aries lost.
SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21): Sticky Situations! Do you know what it's like to stick to everything around you? No? Well, you may find yourself adhering to walls, paper clips, furniture, pets, etc. It's awkward and embarrassing, but probably not dangerous. You might even stick to a stranger who turns out to be lots of fun! Seek Hidden Wisdom from a Leo.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21): Dream Deals! Events turn eerie, as a mysterious stranger appears, demanding you make good on a promise you made in a dream. Wacky hijinks ensue. It all turns out all right in the end, but it could all be prevented by specifying that your agreements are ONLY valid while you're asleep. Missed connection with a Taurus.
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Relationship troubles? Annoying relatives? Problems at work?
Take them to an ORDINARY advice columnist!
>>>>> For the really tough situations, ASK DR. ELDRITCH! <<<<<
Dr. Eldritch answers the questions that no other columnist will touch, with solid,
no-nonsense advice to get you through those once-in-a-lifetime crises:
<> Being menaced by the Undead?
<> Scientific experiments gone horribly wrong and may destroy the Earth?
<> A Loved One is possessed by Satan?
<> Your gorgeous lover is using you as a patsy for an elaborate swindle?
Don't fall victim to vampires! Don't get slashed by a psycho!
Don't get stuck, ASK DR. ELDRITCH!
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Dear Dr. Eldritch,
I accidentally sold myself into slavery! Please help me get out of this contract!
While surfing the web a couple weeks ago, I saw a "Desktop Minion" utility that was really cute. It was free, so I downloaded it. When I came to the terms and conditions page, I just clicked "I agree." Well, a couple days later, these big guys show up at my door. They asked if I was the one who downloaded the minion software, and when I said yes, they grabbed me, and threw me into a black van! It turns out that there's a clause that says I have to serve ten years of "indentured servitude" in exchange for the program!
I tried to argue that I hadn't read everything in the agreement, but they just laughed. Now I'm being kept in a subterranean cavern with dozens of others who downloaded the software. We're being forced to do data mining, and the overseers whip us if we work too slowly. We fight over the food, which is terrible, and what's worse, we're only allowed fifteen minutes of Internet a day! There's no spam filters or pop-up blockers, so you can guess where most of that time goes.
I managed to email my family, and they contacted a lawyer. She said that it was a binding legal contract, and I should have read it more carefully. Some help! I know I got myself into this, but there must be some way out, other than ten years working for pennies a day. What can I do to escape?
-- Melinda, somewhere underground
Dear Melinda,
Let me guess; you're Internet savvy enough not to buy "Magical Pixie Dust" from unsolicited emails, so you were confident you couldn't be fooled. Now, most advice columnists would try to be supportive and validate your choices, but I have to ask: What were you thinking? I know; it didn't occur to you that someone would so cruelly exploit another's carelessness. I can see how you'd believe this, as unscrupulous individuals have only been deceiving the gullible for, oh, thousands of years. So it's still rather new.
Perhaps you felt you were too smart to be tricked. If so, I suggest you look around at your present circumstances and reassess. You may be highly intelligent, but the opposite of "gullible" is not "clever," it's "incredulous" (the judges would also accept "skeptical"). Every day, bright people fall for scams, cons, cheap pick-up lines and advertising, so you're in good company. You wouldn't believe how many times Albert Einstein bought x-ray glasses from the back of a comic book.
I know, I shouldn't be kicking you while you're underground, and you've probably been doing enough of it already. So let's see what can be done. I've got some bad news, and some not-quite-as-bad news. Bad news first: Your lawyer is correct, an online EULA (that's End-User Licensing Agreement, of course) is binding, and you fell for it lock, stock and pillory. I trust you'll be more careful in the future when you click.
The less-bad news is that there's always an escape clause. That's a hold-over from the ancient evil traps like opening puzzle boxes, reading mystical grimoires, or summoning demonic entities. These are implied contracts, and the legal profession has continued the tradition. As a side note, you'd actually be better off if it was a magical contract, as enforcement is done by the arcane forces of magic, which are notoriously difficult to subvert. Corporations are perfectly willing to breach merely legal contracts when it becomes easier to default than to honor them.
But I digress. Read the agreement very carefully, looking for any tiny loophole or condition that may nullify the contract. If it's air-tight, you may be required to challenge the corporation and beat its champion in a competition. That's fairly common. How's your chess game?
The other option is to foment a rebellion! Who hasn't wanted to incite an angry mob to throw off their chains and rise up against the oppressors! True, it's a mob of the sort of people who would download free software, but the promise of high-speed Internet access may stir them to be heroic. Liberte! Egalite! ISP!
If it's any comfort, I'm told by my friends from the Future that a class-action lawsuit will eventually be won against companies that use deceptive EULA tactics. Afterward, they'll be required to provide a concise summary of terms, highlighting any unusual or unexpected conditions, like your servitude clause. It doesn't really help you now, but your suffering will help prevent future victims. Perhaps they'll send you some Magical Pixie Dust in gratitude.
Good luck, and let me know how it comes out!
-Dr. Eldritch
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